Holding patterns

As any of you might realize, I am in a holding pattern.  I was going to divorce the husband.  I am not sure what I am doing right now, but its not divorcing.  Sort of nothing, sort of trying to put things back together.  I feel like I am doing all the trying and he is doing all the waiting for me to get it done.  As if he’s Mr. Perfect.  Hrmph.

The cab broke last week.  Serious broke as in I haven’t seen it since last Wednesday its at the dump now. This was the big chance for hubster to break out of the biz — do something else, anything else.  And what did he do yesterday?  He bought a Crown Vic.  A white one.  And nothing says I’m gonna be a cab driver for life like a former cop-car, white Crown Vic with a trunk big enough for three or four dead bodies.  “But I had to get a car anyway.”  Yeah, thats why you spent all of today getting it outfitted with your meter, light and all the doodads.

I want to quit my job.  Big time.  I was not meant to do this job.  I don’t care what my boss says, I don’t have this in me.  Its not my field and I don’t enjoy it at all.  I really want to find out more about this stay at home mom stuff.  I want to set my sleep patterns in way that doesn’t involve a 6 a.m. alarm clock going off.  I want to join a play group and visit my other SAHM friends in the DAYTIME. *gasp*  I’d like to have a part time job where the work/guilt didn’t come home with me at night.

I want quite a few things…  I want to feel special to my husband.  I want him to do something spontaneous that I like.  A couple of flowers (not 24 from Costco that took you an hour after work to go get while I was waiting on you), a shiny bauble, backrub without asking, etc.  I’d like some sort of gift for Eid and birthdays.  You sure didn’t have  a hard time remembering your son’s birthday.

Argh.  Always angst me hearties, always angst.  Yar.

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I am not the bad guy

I was out this evening to take hubster his dinner while he was at work. On my way back home, I was stopped at a red light. I saw that a van in waiting on the cross street was dragging a plastic container under his vehicle. I attempted to flag him to let him know he was dragging the container and you know what I got??? The guy in his passenger seat looks right at me sticks his arm out the window and gives me a gun signal pointing at me… he continued is through the intersection looking at me the entire time.

God damn. I am not the enemy. I am a mother and a wife and a woman trying to make a life. I try to do something nice and it blows up on me. I am so tired of standing out and being a “symbol” of Islam. I am simply a believer, and not a very exemplary one at that. I just want to go about my business and not have to be the walking mannekin of the nice muslima. Yes, ma’am, no sir, how are you today? Smile smile smile at idiot people who can’t get beyond themselves. I really need to blend in a bit.

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