Archive for November, 2006

My new friends

Please go give one of my new favorite blogs a visit.  Swistle is now linked in my linkdoo column.  Swistle and I got pregnant at the same time… except she’s got several more kiddos than I.  I am now living her pregnancy vicariously throug her – no pressure or anything!  I’ve been reading her for a while.

Also found recently in the blogosphere:

SundryMourning.  Wicked. Funny.  Wickedly funny.  With a toddler.  And sometimes a pottymouth.  Makes me feel better about myself.   She also does a MomBlogs blog and Sundrybuzz.. both of which are linked on her site.

Amalah’s Advice Smackdown.  The title really says it all… from Amalah.

That’s it for new links right now.


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Breathe it in…

I’m getting smoked just by sitting in my own office.  Nice, eh?  I’m in a really good mood too.  *grin*  The paint continues next door… also, someone (notso) nicely closed both doors to my office to further concentrate the fumes.  Mmmm.  My eyelids are drooping!

Anyways, three more days left at the job.  wow.  I’ve never quit a job before without having the next one in the line.  I am going to go be a Mom for a while.  And a wife and homekeeper.  Possibly more dull, but no less work than I am doing now.  In a few weeks, we will be traveling over to Maroc…  before that, I am going to visit some family for a week to get their fill of Little Boy so they won’t miss him quite so much for the three months we are gone. 

Only one shot for Hamza to get this time, a Hep A booster.  Much better than last time when they stuck us both like pincushions.

gotta fly, work cometh.

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Painters have invaded the sacrosanct offices of Really Large Islamic organization that I work for. 🙂 There are a lot of nice, pious people weaving when they walk and talking with a buzz right now… all because the architect forgot to include windows that OPEN on the second level. Damn Muslim Engineers! 🙂 Just kidding.

Anyway, since I only have about two brain cells left that aren’t floating on a paint fume induced high, here is meme I nabbed from Dictator Princess. She didn’t tag me, but she doesn’t tag anyone, and no one tags me… we’re even.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
“Make up does really nice things for your eyes.” 😛 on haters.

2. How much cash do you have on you?
Gee, a question to bring down the evil eye? Nice. Not much on a regular basis. Just enough to get lunch out or a soda.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with “DOOR?”

4. Favorite planet?

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
My husband calling from home.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
Its called Bell 3 and its the loudest, most irritating ringer on the phone. That way, I can hear it when it rings deep in the bottom of a pocket or purse or backpack. Or another room.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
Sweater. Its winter.

8. Do you “label” yourself?
I suppose I do since I’m Muslim.

9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing?
AT this very moment? None. Regularly, Birkenstock. I own three pairs of sandals for the summer and a pair of Bostons (that need repair) and fisherman sandals for the winter. Birkenstocks were my solution to foot surgury.

10. Bright or Dark Room?
Bright… I can’t stand feeling like I can’t see stuff.

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
I think DP is cool as sh… She’s awesome. I wish I knew her in real life. I love how you tell it straight and don’t try to beat around the bush.

12. What does your watch look like?

Rectangular, with an antenna… oh yeah, thats my cell phone too.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?

5. Where is your nearest 7-11?
About 5 miles from here… but when was the last time I was IN a 7-11… its been a LONG time.

16. What’s a word that you say a lot?
Dude. Whatever. Dude, I am surprised my son doesn’t say it yet at the end of every sentence. Dude.

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?
My son.

18. Last furry thing you touched?

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
I think I had some tylenol. I was at a smoky house for Thanksgiving… it got to me… that and raking half the yard.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
Rolls? Of film? What are those again?

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
27 was good… I had my son at 27. I didn’t feel old yet.

22. Your worst enemy?
The housekeeper at work. Sad, isn’t it?

23. What is your current desktop picture?
A moon of the desert from the Windows desktop collection.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
“Oh, really?”

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
I want to fly. People might pay me a million bucks to watch the amazing human bird. But seriously, flying would be the absolute, most incredible thing.

26. Do you like someone?
Lots of people.

27. The last song you listened to?
I don’t remember… it was in the car on the way home from Thanksgiving.

28. What time of day were you born?
mid afternoon

29. What’s your favorite number?
Don’t have one.

30. Where did you live in 1987?
Dallas, TX.

31. Are you jealous of anyone?
I have been jealous before of people’s stuff, but until just recently, I’ve never been jealous in the way that is haram, where you wish you had the blessings that other people had instead of them having it.  I was quite shocked that I felt the way I did.  I just have to remember there is a reason they have what they do and I don’t.  Rizq.

32. Is anyone jealous of you?
I doubt it.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?

At work.  It was just three or four months after I became Muslim.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Complain to the owner.

35. Do you consider yourself kind?
Not really.  Sometimes I am, but I think my bitchiness overwhelms the kind stuff.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
I am such a nerd…  I always want the animal spot tatoos that ran up the neck of that chick in ST:DS9.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Should I really be picky?  If I could have any one language, it would make acquiring a third that much easier, I think.  Right now, I wish I spoke Moroccan Arabic or Francais.

38. Would you move for the person you loved?
It hasn’t happened yet.  I really am an introvert unless I can unwind, which requires me to have a comfort zone.  I moved once after college and that ended really badly… I didn’t make it a year there and I was terribly lonely and hated it.  I refused to move to Chicago when Hubster and I married… so far, although he hates Indy, he likes some things about it a lot more than Chitown.

39. Are you touchy feely?
Yeah.  Icebreaker.  Drives hubster nuts when he’s in the “I’m not talking to you” mode.

40. What’s your life motto?
That would be assuming I had my life more together than it is.  I suppose it would be “bite me”. I generally do what I want.

41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
Minty gum, a book and ID.

42. What’s your favourite town/city?
Washington, DC.  There is always something to do or see that requires very little cash.  And you don’t need to look for parking.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
I was at Target tonight and paid for Zithromax with cash.  Stocking up for the Maroc trip.

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
If you include work, it was recently.  But for myself… dear god, I don’t remember. I think it might have been a birthday card for my auntie from Hamza (written mostly by moi)

45. Can you change the oil on a car?
No.  I only know where to put it in.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
Oddly enough, he’s in the military and serving a second tour in Iraq.  Hrmph.

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?
Late 1800s, I think.  Maybe further back on my maternal side.
48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
Eid.  But I don’t remember what I wore.  How weird.  I remember that I got carpet lint all over it.  Hrmph.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My head hurt until about 30 minutes ago from the paint fumes I was huffing without a choice for eight hours today… otherwise, my tailbone still aches from when I fell on the stairs three months ago.

50. Have you been burned by love?
No, I think I burned other people with love.  And I feel bad about it… and really unresolved.

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spiralling inward

The last OB appt was this afternoon. And for all my outward “I don’t give a shit” attitude, its been a really bad evening.

Everything is looking good physically, which is good. What really drove me to distraction was that the OB suggested I wait 2 or 3 cycles to TTC (try to conceive). If I follow this, our next try will be in February… except, oh wait, hubster will be back in the states and I will be flying stag in North Africa until the END OF MARCH.

My OB is, apparently, ultra conservative in her estimate… most just ask that you wait one cycle. There is a 3 cycle window (give or take) of moongoddess-like fertility right after miscarriage (forgive the figure of speech, friends – don’t takfir me ‘cuz it will just bounce back). And she wants me to bypass it. I think NOT.

Part of me is just dying to TTC again right away. I’ve started up my charting and all that… I’m all over the ovusoft boards reading and writing and trying to figure this whole thing out. I am sick over the thought that the stress of travel will fug up my charting.

** if you hadn’t noticed, there’s a whole bit of psychosis over here. Its seems to plague the field.

I am just so tired inside. I was so worked up about being pregnant. Now, I am getting worked up about getting pregnant again. There’s a part of me inside that feels like I wasted the best part of my ‘getting pregnant’ years — there’s this time when we are young (and stupid) where our bodies, in what ever shape we have them, are truly perfect – we are strong and ready, and those 20 year old bodies are just begging to be pregnant because they can handle it and bounce back in ways that just start fading as we get older. We don’t send out so many messed up building blocks and when we do, our bodies reject them right away because they can – they’re strong and primed and ready. And then we get ‘older’, not old, just older and sometimes our bodies fail us and let the bad eggs through (pardon the pun) only to reject them after we get our hopes up and our wallets out… and as we go on, even that rejection reflex starts going away and our chances of having babies with major problems increases exponentially.

A glimpse into my obsessive mind, perhaps? Into many other people’s obsessive minds as well, from what I am reading. I cried for the second time tonight.  Maybe I can get over it, maybe I can get pregnant again and pour my enthusiasm and love and expectation over onto that hopeful child. Or, maybe there are other plans for me.

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… at least in the sense that you know for sure afterwards what happened. 

For the sensitive, TMI is coming up.  You don’t have to read if you are squeamish. (more…)

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It might actually happen

Hubster purchased the tickets to the Maghrib. Holy cow.

I think I was more okay with this idea in abstract than I am in reality. Hubster is staying for a month. Cute child and I are staying for THREE. MONTHS.

I keep telling myself that this is the semester I intended to spend overseas that I was too lame to actually do during college.

There is so much to do before we go and I am not sure yet where to start. Needless to say, you don’t pack for three months. I’ve Sobia’s list over and over as to what she is bringing and I so doing the whole medicine gig — tylenol, advil, children’s cold medicines, several rounds of antibiotics for little guys and big mommies (can anyone say Z pack and cipro???)… We were relatively healthy last time we went, two years ago, but I was very happy for the my cipro then after the side trip to Marrakech and the fresh orange juice. Cute son also had some bad diahrrhea and I never figured out its source… It must have been the yogurt that we never cut out (we cut everything else- faucet water, milk, etc) which I thought was safe as it was by Dannon… But who knows?

This is my chance and my son’s to learn Moroccan darija Arabic (you like that fancy schmancy word darija? It means dialect. Someone pop me a quarter for my 25 cent word of the day.) I think this is the only way I will ever learn it — I’ve tried book learning several languages and they don’t stick for me.

Dear God – Please give me the courage for this and an English speaking doctor for the bad days.

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Thank you

Thank you to all of you for your kind words.

The way I feel is very strange.  In some ways, I don’t feel like I lost anything at all.  I have a bond and connection to my son that would wound me so terribly if it were ever severed – I didn’t have that with this pregnancy.  I do feel like I was promised a trip to something like Disneyland and while we were driving there, full of anticipation and excitement, the car stalled, for weeks, before we could go back home.

I haven’t fully miscarried yet.  Its driving me nutso.  I think I’ve started enough that we can get some pharmaceutical intervention that would speed up the process.  Its not just been the week and a half since the confirmation — its been four or five weeks since the fetus/embryo died.

From everything I’ve read, the bleeding is considered irregular bleeding and that I am not in state where I need to refrain from salat (five times prayers).  I have issues with this that I won’t go into here — suffice it to say, it has to do with najis (impurities).

I think some part of me is not dealing with this right because I have this intense desire to get pregnant again right away.  I think when I don’t, Allahu alim, I will have a lot of sorrow to deal with.

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